Why Do I Keep Failing at Patience, Forgiveness, and Self-Control?

By Angela D. Thomas, DrPH, MPH, MBA

Because you have been trying to produce the fruit of the Spirit without actually using the Spirit. You already own the help you need. You just keep leaving it in the box, doing life the comfortable old way, and wondering why the results never change.

Let me confess something on myself. I have bought things off the TV that I was absolutely convinced would change my life. Have you ever seen something on an infomercial and got completely marveled? Oh my goodness, that thing is amazing, I need that in my life. And you buy it, or somebody buys it for you, and you are so excited it is coming, and then it shows up and you never use it.

I have done it more than once. There was the Squatty Potty, that little bench you put under your feet. I was so excited. I convinced my husband we needed it. I put it in the bathroom. We never used it. Then there were the Egglets, these little pots that were supposed to give me the perfect boiled egg with no shell stuck to it. I got them, I was ready for my perfect eggs, and those Egglets just sat there. Never used them.

And a lot of us are doing the exact same thing with the Holy Spirit.

Why Do We Leave the Best Gift in the Box?

Because using it would take effort, and the old way is comfortable. Listen to the things we tell ourselves and see if any of them sound familiar. Oh yeah, I have one of those, one day I'll use it. I don't have time to learn that, I just do what is comfortable for me. I know there is something that could do this better, but one day I will figure it out. So instead of learning the new tool, we reach right back for the old knife we already know how to use.

That is the whole trap. It is knowing better and still not doing better. You are in full possession of the thing that could help you, and you leave it in the cabinet because reaching for it feels like work. And here is what that costs you.

What Does the Bible Say About the Fruit of the Spirit?

It tells us exactly what is supposed to be growing in a life that actually uses the Spirit. Galatians 5:22-23 (NKJV) says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law." Read that list and be honest. If you are short on joy, short on peace, short on patience, snapping at everybody, out of self-control, it is worth asking whether you have actually been tapping into the Spirit, or just out here doing it on your own.

Because here is the truth we all know from sitting in lesson after lesson. The good stuff is hard. Agape love is hard. Forgiveness is hard. Grace is hard. Compassion is hard. And we get them wrong, over and over, not because we are hopeless, but because we keep trying to squeeze them out of our own strength instead of pulling them from the Helper who actually produces them. We give ourselves a pass and give our neighbor no grace. We hold the unforgiveness. We pop off. And a lot of that is just us, reaching for the comfortable old knife one more time.

And a lot of it is plain old habit. We do it because it is what we have always seen. It is because my mama did it, my auntie did it, my cousins and them did it, so I do it too. Galatians 5:26 (NKJV) warns us not to become "conceited, provoking one another, envying one another," and if we are honest, a whole lot of us are doing exactly that, poking at people and keeping score, because we never took the time to let the Spirit hand us a better way. The old pattern feels natural. The new one has to be learned. And learning it means finally reaching for the Helper we have been ignoring.

How Do I Actually Start Using the Gift?

You start by admitting the old way is not working. It is insanity to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result. If what you have been doing on your own has not changed your patience, your temper, or your ability to forgive, that is your sign to crack open the gift you have been ignoring. Galatians 5:25 (NKJV) says, "If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit." Living in the Spirit is what happened when you got saved. Walking in Him is the daily choice to actually use Him.

So make it practical. Before the hard conversation, ask the Holy Spirit to help you. Before you answer the person who got all the way under your skin, pause and pull from Him instead of your flesh. When that old family pattern rises up in you, stop and surrender it. That is what walking in the Spirit looks like. It is not a one time event. It is a daily habit of reaching for the gift instead of leaving it in the box.

You have the help. Quit letting it sit there like a gadget on the shelf. Take it out and use it.

Take this to the Word yourself. Galatians 5:16-26, Romans 8:5-6.

What This Means for You

Which fruit of the Spirit have you been trying to force on your own, when you were supposed to be pulling it from the Helper inside you?

Yesterday we made the Holy Spirit a daily Helper. Today we took Him out of the box so we can get the hard stuff right. Next up, why the power you keep thinking is for other Christians actually belongs to you.

I teach God's Word weekly inside the SheShed Community, and this is exactly the kind of teaching that hits different when you're in the room for it. The replay of this teaching, “An Awesome Gift,” is available inside the community as well. Come sit with us.