How Unforgiveness Is Affecting Your Life More Than You Realize
Spiritually, physically, and relationally. Unforgiveness is not a neutral place to stay. It is actively costing you something every single day you hold it. And the person you are trying to punish by withholding forgiveness is not the one paying the highest price. You are.
We have been with Eric all week. His wife and unborn child killed in a car crash caused by a driver named Matt, a twenty year old firefighter who fell asleep at the wheel after a twenty four hour shift. We have talked about what forgiveness is not. We have talked about how forgiveness is not the same as letting someone off the hook. We have talked about the replay and what to do when it comes.
Today we close out with the thing I need you to really feel. Because until you understand what unforgiveness is costing you, it is hard to find the motivation to do something as difficult as releasing someone who truly hurt you.
What Does God Say About Forgiveness?
Let me show you something in Scripture that a lot of us have read dozens of times without fully taking in. It is in the Lord's Prayer.
Matthew 6:12 (NKJV) says, "And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors." We say this. We quote this. We have said it in church services since we were children. And we just roll right past it.
But read what Jesus did immediately after He gave that prayer. He did not reiterate the part about thy kingdom come. He did not come back to daily bread. Out of everything in that prayer, He chose to revisit one thing. Forgiveness.
Matthew 6:14-15 (NKJV) says, "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
He said it forward. Then He said it in reverse. Two verses in a row. Both making the same point from two different angles. Our forgiveness from God is contingent on our forgiving other people.
I wish I had a softer way to say that. But that is what the text says, and Jesus is the one who said it.
And then there is the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18. A king forgives a servant an enormous debt after the servant begs for mercy. That same servant turns around and throws someone else in prison over a fraction of what he was just forgiven. When the king finds out, he is furious. Matthew 18:32-35 (NKJV) says, "Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?' And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses."
Peter had asked Jesus how many times he should forgive. Up to seven times? Jesus said, not seven times but seventy times seven. And then He told that parable to make the point land.
The spiritual cost of unforgiveness is real. God is not playing with us here.
What Is Unforgiveness Doing to Your Body?
Johns Hopkins research found that there is an enormous physical burden to being hurt and disappointed. Holding unforgiveness results in changes in heart rate, blood pressure, and immune response. Those changes increase the risk of depression, heart disease, and diabetes. Forgiveness, on the other hand, calms stress levels and leads to improved health, including lowering the risk of heart attack, improving cholesterol levels and sleep quality, and reducing pain, blood pressure, anxiety, depression, and stress.
And the research says the forgiveness health connection gets stronger as you age. The older you get, the more your body needs you to let things go.
You are not just holding an emotional grudge. You are carrying it in your body. Every single day.
What Is Unforgiveness Costing Your Relationships?
The bitterness you carry from one relationship does not stay in that relationship. It travels with you. You go from friendship to friendship. You go from church to church. You find yourself in the same conflicts with different people because the unresolved wound is shaping how you show up everywhere.
And here is the one that should make you indignant enough to act. Not only did that person hurt you once, but by holding on to the unforgiveness, you are allowing them to keep hurting you. Every time the bitterness flares. Every time the replay drags you back under. Every time it costs you a night of peace or a healthy relationship or your physical health. They are still getting to hurt you. And they may not even know it.
That is too much power to give away. Take it back.
How Did Eric's Story End?
God brought Eric and Matt together. Matt approached Eric wanting to thank him for something Eric had done publicly to show grace toward him. They felt a pull toward each other that they both described as a God moment. And they became friends.
Matt was dealing with enormous guilt. He got married and had his own child, and anxiety set in because he could not stop thinking about the fact that Eric had lost a wife and child at his hands. He was terrified the same thing would happen to his own family.
Guess who helped him work through that.
Eric. The man whose wife and unborn child Matt killed. God used Eric to walk alongside the person who offended him. And Matt said, I can't find words to express what Eric and his support have done for me.
That is what happens when forgiveness goes all the way through. God can use you to reach the very soul of the person who hurt you. You may be the only one who can reach them in the way they need to be reached. Because you have the story. You have the testimony. You have walked through the thing that connects you to them in a way nobody else can.
Shed your underestimation of how much God values forgiveness. Shed your lack of awareness of what unforgiveness is costing you spiritually, physically, and relationally. Shed the belief that holding on is protecting you. It is not. It is letting them continue to hurt you for free.
And take your power back. It is time.
Take this to the Word yourself. Matthew 6:12-15, Matthew 18:21-35, Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 4:31-32.
What This Means for You
What has unforgiveness been costing you? And are you willing to continue paying that price? What would it mean to take your power back today?
This is the final post in the Why You Mad series. Here is the full thread from the beginning.
Post 5: How Unforgiveness Is Affecting Your Life More Than You Realize
I teach God's Word weekly inside the SheShed Community, and this is exactly the kind of teaching that hits different when you're in the room for it. The replay of this teaching, "Why You Mad," is available inside the community as well. Come sit with us.
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