Why Is It So Hard for Me to Forgive Someone Who Hurt Me?

Because culture handed you a version of forgiveness that is almost impossible to actually do. And then told you that if you can't do that version, you haven't really forgiven. No wonder it feels impossible. The good news is that God's version of forgiveness looks very different from what most of us were taught.

I want to tell you about a man named Eric. In October 2006, Eric received a phone call with devastating news. His wife, who was 30 years old at the time, and his unborn child had been in a car crash. His wife did not survive. His unborn child did not survive. The crash was the fault of another driver. Eric's nineteen-year-old daughter was in the car and thankfully survived.

We are going to come back to Eric throughout this series because his story is going to show us what real forgiveness looks like. But first, I need to ask you the question I asked when I started preparing for this lesson.

Should Eric forgive the driver who killed his wife and his unborn child?

And if so, how?

Why Does Forgiveness Feel This Heavy?

Because it is heavy. I want to call that clearly and right up front. This is probably one of the most difficult topics we have covered in this series, and I will not sit here and make it sound easy. Forgiveness is hard. And part of the reason it is so hard is that the enemy loves for us to stay trapped in unforgiveness, because he knows what it costs us. We are going to talk about what it costs. But I need you to know from the beginning that calling forgiveness hard is okay. It does not mean you are not serious about your faith. It just means you are honest.

Now here is the other reason it is hard. A lot of what we believe about forgiveness did not come from Scripture. It came from culture. And culture has given us a version of forgiveness loaded with conditions, expectations, and requirements that are not in the Bible. Which means many of us are trying to do something God never asked us to do, and then beating ourselves up because we cannot get there.

Before we talk about what forgiveness is, we need to talk about what it is not. Because for some of us, just clearing out the myths is going to bring enough relief to start the real journey.

What Does the Bible Actually Say About Forgiveness?

Let me show you one of the most extreme examples of forgiveness in all of Scripture. Stephen was one of the first deacons of the early church. He was appointed by the disciples to help spread the gospel, and he was doing exactly that when he got wrongfully accused of blasphemy. He was brought before the same council that condemned Jesus to death, and he defended the faith. His defense made them so angry that they dragged him outside and stoned him to death.

Acts 7:60 (NKJV) says his last words were, "Lord, do not charge them with this sin."

He was being actively murdered. No one had asked him to forgive. No one showed remorse. There was no conversation, no closure, no apology. He called it sin because that is exactly what it was. And in that same breath he pleaded to God to have mercy on them.

That is forgiveness.

Not agreement. Not forgetting. Not pretending it did not happen. Not waiting for an apology. Not being free from pain. He was hurting. And he still released them.

The Permission You Need Right Now

Before we go any deeper into this, I want to give you something to hold. You have permission to call forgiveness hard. You have permission to say this is one of the most difficult things God asks of us. You have permission to be in process and not be finished yet.

What you do not have permission to do is stay there. Because unforgiveness is costing you more than you realize. And we are going to talk about exactly what it is costing you before this series is over.

But for today, let's start here. Take this to the Word yourself and sit with these. Matthew 6:14-15, Matthew 18:21-35, Acts 7:54-60.

What This Means for You

Where are you in your forgiveness journey right now? Is there someone you have been holding an offense against who God may be asking you to release?

This is the first post in a five part series called Why You Mad, where we get into everything the Bible teaches about unforgiveness, bitterness, and how to actually get free. Next up, we are going to look at what forgiveness is not, because the myths are heavy and some of them need to go before the real thing can come in.

I teach God's Word weekly inside the SheShed Community, and this is exactly the kind of teaching that hits different when you're in the room for it. The replay of this teaching, "Why You Mad," is available inside the community as well. Come sit with us.