Why You Might Be Misreading People and Situations Without Realizing It

You are not seeing situations objectively. Nobody is. Every person on this earth interprets everything through a lens that is 100% unique to them, and until you understand that your lens is not the same as everyone else's, you will keep having the same misunderstandings and wondering why.

You know the feeling. Something happens in a conversation, or someone says something, or somebody looks at you a certain kind of way, and you are absolutely convinced you know what it meant. And then you replay it for hours, maybe days, getting more certain with every replay that you read it right. The problem is not that you are paying attention. The problem is that what you are seeing is filtered through every experience, every wound, every cultural norm, every assumption that has shaped you up to this point. And that filter is not neutral.

Why Is Your Lens 100% Unique?

I have a girlfriend from Detroit, Michelle, who has an identical twin sister named Rochelle. Same parents, same house, same schools, same clothes growing up. You could not tell them apart if you did not know them. And yet they have had real arguments over the years because they see things differently. They ended up with different jobs, different relationships, different friendships, different experiences. If two people who literally shared everything growing up can still see the world through different lenses, then imagine how much variation exists between people who grew up in completely different environments, cultures, and circumstances.

Your lens is shaped by your upbringing, your community, your culture, your subculture, the language you grew up speaking, and the experiences you have walked through. And here is the thing about a lens. You do not notice you are looking through one. You just think you are seeing clearly.

How Does Culture Shape What We See?

Let me give you an example. In Western culture, a firm handshake and strong eye contact signal confidence and respect. We take that for granted. But there are several Asian cultures where a soft handshake is considered respectful and direct eye contact is considered rude. So if you were interviewing someone from that background and they gave you a gentle handshake and did not hold your gaze, you might walk away thinking they were unsure of themselves or did not care about the job. And you would be completely wrong, just reading the moment through your lens instead of theirs.

I grew up in Detroit. And I grew up thinking every corner needed to have a liquor store, and that every fast food restaurant and liquor store had to have plexi glass between you and the person taking your order, and a little spinning cup to pass your money through. That was just normal life to me. It wasn't until I went to the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor that I saw that none of that was there. No plexi glass. No little cup. No liquor store on every corner. I thought, wait. Is this how everybody else has been living? That was my Detroit lens. I had never questioned it because it was all I knew.

Same thing happens in relationships, in the church, in marriages. When you show up with your lens and they show up with their lens, and neither of you realizes you are wearing one, you end up in a conflict that is not really about what you think it is about.

How Can You Start Seeing More Clearly in Your Relationships?

Here is a practice that changed how I show up in my interactions. When something happens and you feel that reaction rising, that frustration or confusion or offense, pause and say to yourself, the story I'm telling myself is... And then finish that sentence honestly.

Maybe the story you are telling yourself is that she had an attitude and she was starting something. But then make up a story for her. Maybe she had a hard morning. Maybe something went left with her husband. Maybe she is carrying something you know nothing about. Making up a second story is not about excusing bad behavior. It is about giving yourself enough pause to respond from grace instead of assumption.

Matthew 7:3-5 (NKJV) says, "And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Before you decide you know exactly what someone else is doing or thinking, examine what lens you are looking through.

Shed the belief that your first interpretation of a situation is the complete truth. Shed the assumption that the way you see things is how they actually are. And shed the habit of reacting to the story you tell yourself before you have even paused to ask whether there might be another story.

Take this to the Word yourself. Matthew 7:3-5, Proverbs 18:13, James 1:19, Proverbs 19:11.

What This Means for You

Where in your life right now might you be reacting to your interpretation of a situation instead of the full picture?

This is the first post in a five part series called Our Foggy Lenses, where we look at how the lens you see through shapes your relationships, your reading of Scripture, and your ability to walk in the power God designed you to carry. Next up, we will talk about why the Bible does not always make sense the way we expect, and what your cultural lens has to do with it.

I teach God's Word weekly inside the SheShed Community, and this is exactly the kind of teaching that hits different when you're in the room for it. The replay of this teaching, "Our Foggy Lenses," is available inside the community as well. Come sit with us.