How Do I Know if Something Is Real Love or Just Feelings?

Check whether it is based on what you feel or what you do. The highest form of love in Scripture is less about emotion and more about demonstrable action. And the reason so many of us are confused about love is that English only gives us one word for something the Bible describes with at least four.

Yesterday we talked about the difference between giving love and receiving it. Today I want to pull back even further and look at the foundational question. What is love actually made of? Because if you have ever found yourself saying I love them but I do not like them right now, or I want to love people the way God says but I do not always feel like it, you have already stumbled onto something important. Real love and feelings are not the same thing.

Why Does English Only Have One Word for Love?

Other languages are more specific. In Greek, the language of the New Testament, there are multiple words for love. At least four of them show up clearly in the way Scripture talks about how we are designed to love. And because English collapses all of them into one word, we end up applying the wrong type of love to the wrong relationship and then getting confused when it does not work the way we expected.

So let's name them.

What Are the Four Types of Love in the Bible?

The first is Eros. Think of the word erotica and you have it. This is passionate, romantic, physical love. It is a feeling. It is real. And according to Scripture it is reserved for marriage only. Song of Solomon is full of it. It is better to marry than to burn is talking about Eros. The marriage bed is undefiled is talking about Eros. If you feel this kind of passionate desire toward someone who is not your spouse, Scripture calls that lust. The feeling itself is not wrong. The context determines whether it is appropriate. If you are married, you have freedom in that space. Work it.

The second is Philia. Think Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love. This is unselfish love for your fellow human beings. Care, respect, compassion, benevolence. It is a mixture of feelings and actions. 1 Thessalonians 4:9 (NKJV) says, "But concerning brotherly love you have no need that I should write to you, for you yourselves are taught by God to love one another." It is also reflected in 1 Peter 1:22 (NKJV), which says, "Love one another fervently with a pure heart." This is what you extend to your community, to believers, to your neighbors. Unselfish concern for their benefit.

The third is Storge. Pronounced stor-JAY. Think of it as love stored naturally. This is family love, natural affection. The ride-or-die kind. The I can talk about them but you better not kind. The my God-sister has been in my life so long I forget we are not actually related kind. This love shows up in Romans 12:10 (NKJV) as a compound Greek word that blends Philia and Storge: "Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another." As believers, we are asked to love our Christian family the way we love our natural family. Flaws and all. No matter what.

The fourth is Agape. This is the one everyone has heard of. And for good reason. Agape is God's perfect, unconditional love. John 3:16 (NKJV) says, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." That is Agape. It is not primarily a feeling. It is an action. A choice. A demonstration. It is not contingent on how the other person is behaving. It is not contingent on whether it feels warm and easy. It is demonstrable love given without condition. Agape is not just something God has. It is who He is.

Was Tina Turner Right?

What's Love Got to Do With It? Great song. But let's look at the lyrics for a second. It's only the thrill of boy meeting girl, opposites attract. It's physical, only logical. She is describing what feels like Eros. The physical pull. The attraction. And she is saying love is not part of it. Just feelings and biology.

Was she right?

In the context of a relationship outside of marriage, she is describing lust, not love. In the context of marriage, she would actually be wrong, because that passionate physical pull IS one of the types of love God designed, specifically for the covenant of marriage.

And then she calls love a secondhand emotion. Interestingly, when it comes to Agape, there is something almost right in that phrase, because Agape really is more about what you demonstrate than what you feel. Emotion is not the primary thing. Action is.

But in the full context of that song and that marriage, she was in something that did not reflect any of the four types of love God designed. Running out of that limousine was the right call.

Shed the misconception that love is always a feeling. Shed any mismatches between the type of love and the relationship. And shed the idea that if you do not feel it, it is not real. Sometimes the most real love is the one you choose when you do not feel like it at all.

Take this to the Word yourself. 1 Thessalonians 4:9, Romans 12:10, Song of Solomon 8:6-7, John 3:16.

What This Means for You

Is there a relationship in your life where you might be applying the wrong type of love, either expecting more than that relationship was designed to give, or giving less than God is asking you to extend?

This continues the You Got Mad Love series. Last time we talked about why love can hurt even when it is supposed to be good. Next we are going to look at why people love you differently than you expect, and how matching the right love to the right relationship changes everything.

I teach God's Word weekly inside the SheShed Community, and this is exactly the kind of teaching that hits different when you're in the room for it. The replay of this teaching, "You Got Mad Love," is available inside the community as well. Come sit with us.