Why Do People Love Me Differently Than I Expected?

Because they are giving you what the relationship was designed to carry. And you may be expecting something the relationship was never built to hold. When you match the right type of love to the right relationship, the confusion and disappointment start to make a whole lot more sense.

We have been building something this week. We looked at the difference between giving and receiving love and why one can hurt while the other should not. We looked at the four Greek types of love and why having only one English word for all of them creates so much confusion. Today I want to bring it all together into the practical question that sits underneath a lot of our relational pain.

Why doesn't this person love me the way I expected?

The answer is almost always a mismatch.

What Happens When You Apply the Wrong Love to the Wrong Relationship?

Let me give you the clearest example first. Eros love is reserved for marriage. It is passionate, physical, exclusive, covenant love. If you are bringing Eros expectations into a friendship, or a work relationship, or even into a family relationship, you are going to feel constantly unfulfilled, no matter how much the other person genuinely cares for you. They cannot give you what that relationship was not designed to carry.

The same works in reverse. If you are bringing only Eros into your marriage and neglecting Philia, the unselfish care and concern for your spouse's benefit, and Storge, the ride-or-die natural affection, and Agape, the unconditional action-based love, your marriage will feel shallow even when the passion is present. Because marriage is actually the only relationship designed to carry all four types of love at once. Eros, Philia, Storge, and Agape all belong there simultaneously. That is what makes marriage both the most profound and the most demanding relationship we can enter.

What Does the Church Expect From Believers?

Here is where it gets interesting for those of us in Christian community. Romans 12:10 (NKJV) says, "Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another." That compound Greek word, Philostorgos, blends Philia and Storge together. Unselfish brotherly love expressed with the natural warmth of family affection.

That means your Christian brothers and sisters, the ones you sit with in church, the ones in your small group, the ones in your community, you are asked to love them with the same naturalness and ride-or-die quality you love your actual family. Your God-sister is your sister. Your brother in Christ is your brother. Flaws and all. You can talk about them but don't let somebody else try it.

That is a high standard. And it is specifically the standard for believers with one another.

Why Does This Change Everything?

Because when you understand the framework, you stop expecting your coworker to love you like a spouse. You stop expecting your friend to love you with the exclusive depth of your mother. You stop expecting your church family to be perfect and start extending them the same natural grace you give your actual family.

And you stop misreading the love you are actually being given.

Some of the people in your life are giving you beautiful Philia. Genuine care, genuine concern for your wellbeing, actions that consistently put your benefit first. But if you are looking for Storge, if you are looking for that deeper natural bond, you are going to miss what they are actually offering and feel hurt by what feels like distance.

Some of the people in your life are giving you Storge. Natural, easy, no-explanation-needed love. But if you expected Agape, if you expected unconditional love without any human limitations, you are going to get disappointed every time their humanity shows up.

The mismatch is not always a betrayal. Sometimes it is just a misunderstanding of what kind of love was ever being offered.

Shed the expectation that everyone in every relationship should love you the same way. Shed the belief that a different type of love is a lesser love. And shed the frustration of expecting a relationship to carry what it was never designed to hold.

The love being offered to you may be real and genuine and exactly right for what the relationship is. Start there before you decide you were not loved well.

Take this to the Word yourself. Romans 12:10, 1 Thessalonians 4:9, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Song of Solomon 8:6-7.

What This Means for You

Think about one relationship in your life that has consistently disappointed you. Which type of love were you expecting? Which type were they actually offering? And what changes when you see it through that lens?

This continues the You Got Mad Love series. Last time we looked at the four types of love and how feelings and love are not always the same thing. Next we get into one of the most challenging parts of this whole topic. Why does the Bible command us to love people even when it is genuinely hard?

I teach God's Word weekly inside the SheShed Community, and this is exactly the kind of teaching that hits different when you're in the room for it. The replay of this teaching, "You Got Mad Love," is available inside the community as well. Come sit with us.