Why Do I Feel Hurt by Love if Love Is Supposed to Be Good?

Because there is a difference between giving love and receiving love. And Scripture is actually very specific about which one can hurt and which one never should. Once you see that distinction, a lot of painful experiences in your life are going to start making more sense.

We talk about love like it is one thing. We use one word for all of it. The way you love your mama, the way you love your spouse, the way you love your best friend, the way you love God, the way God loves you. One word. Love. And because we have only one word, we keep applying the wrong expectations to the wrong relationships and then wondering why we end up hurt.

Today I want to start untangling this. And we are going to start with the question that has probably crossed your mind at some point, whether you said it out loud or not. If love is supposed to be good, why does it sometimes hurt so much?

What Does the Bible Actually Say About Love and Pain?

Here is where it gets interesting. Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 in the Amplified version and it says love is not provoked, nor overly sensitive and easily angered. It does not rejoice at injustice but rejoices with truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things without weakening. And then Romans 13:10 (NKJV) says, "Love does no wrong to a neighbor; love is the fulfillment of the law."

Based on those scriptures, love does not hurt the person it is given to. That seems clear.

But then there is John 3:16 (NKJV). "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."

God so loved that He gave. His Son was beaten, mocked, crucified. Jesus sweat blood in the garden of Gethsemane before it was over. He was in agony. He felt the full physical and emotional weight of what love was asking of Him.

So which is it? Does love hurt or not?

The Distinction That Changes Everything

Here it is. Giving Agape love can sometimes hurt. But receiving Agape love should never hurt you.

Let me give you a picture of this. In Titanic, Jack gives up the one piece of wreckage that could have held both of them so Rose could survive. He dies of hypothermia in freezing water. Giving love hurt him. Rose lived. Receiving love did not hurt her.

In Avengers Endgame, Iron Man self-sacrifices to save every living soul. Being obliterated in that moment hurt him. But every person he saved did not get hurt in the process. Giving love cost him everything. Receiving that love gave others their lives back.

Jesus in Gethsemane, Luke 22:44 (NKJV) says, "And being in agony, He prayed more earnestly. Then His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground." He was physically hurting before He ever got to the cross. The act of giving perfect love required self-sacrifice that came at an enormous cost to Him. But us receiving that love does not hurt us. It saves us.

So if you have been in a situation where someone claimed to be loving you but you were the one consistently getting hurt in the process, here is your question. Was that actually love being given to you? Or was that something else?

What About Tina Turner?

A lot of us know the story. Brilliant voice. Iconic performer. And a marriage that was painful, harmful, and not okay. When she finally ran out of that limousine in her bloodied white suit and refused to go back, that was not her walking away from love. That was her recognizing that what was happening to her was not Agape being given to her.

Receiving God's perfect love should never leave you physically or emotionally destroyed. Giving it may cost you something. But the person on the receiving end should not be the one who ends up hurt.

That is the line. And it matters.

Shed the belief that being hurt is proof that you were loved deeply. Shed the confusion between self-sacrifice and abuse. And shed the idea that love is just one thing that works the same way in every relationship. It is not. And that is actually good news, because once you understand how love really works, you can start distinguishing between what God designed and what the enemy distorted.

Take this to the Word yourself. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Romans 13:10, John 3:16, Luke 22:39-44.

What This Means for You

Is there a relationship in your life where you have been the one consistently getting hurt while someone claims to be loving you? And what does the distinction between giving and receiving Agape love say about that?

This is the first post in a five part series called You Got Mad Love, where we walk through what the Bible actually says about the four types of love, how to match them to the right relationships, and how to love the way God commands even when it is hard. Next up, we are going to look at how to tell the difference between real love and just feelings.

I teach God's Word weekly inside the SheShed Community, and this is exactly the kind of teaching that hits different when you're in the room for it. The replay of this teaching, "You Got Mad Love," is available inside the community as well. Come sit with us.